Romance Isn’t Everything But Life Is

I have to admit I was surprised by the response to my last blog post! I’m still figuring life out myself, but hearing your stories and thoughts was humbling. I’m so glad you sent in all your questions over on Instagram.

I might not have all the answers,but I’m happy to share anything I’ve learned along the way.

Little fun fact: Back in middle school, I ran a Tumblr advice column called Tell Tallulah

Let’s get into it.

Red Flags, We See You!

I’ve ignored more red flags than I’d like to admit. I’ve made excuses, and convinced myself that change was just around the corner. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. There are so many incredible people out there. Don’t let a few bad people make you cynical. Sometimes we have to kiss a few frogs, but that’s part of the story, right?

First Dates

Ok, be honest: have you ever been on a first date, sitting across from some perfectly nice, normal person, and thought, “Yeah, I never want to see them again”? Same. Some people will say, “Just give them another chance!” But, no! You do not have to force chemistry. If it’s not there, it’s not there! I think life is too short to go on second dates out of politeness.

Do I even like them?

There have been a few times when I’ve found myself in a situation where I didn’t even stop to ask, Do I actually like this person? I remember this one time a guy ended it with me right before I could do it. I didn’t even like him,but it still stung! Isn’t it funny how our egos work? Instead of worrying about whether they like you, ask yourself—do you even like them?

Questions

Alright, let’s get to your questions.

How do I stop feeling discouraged by dating?

Oh, babe. I hear you. It’s exhausting,but you know what? There are so many people in the world. You will find people you connect with and in the meantime? Hang out with your friends, focus on you, do fun things, live your life! Love isn’t the whole story.

Should I reach out after being ghosted?

No. If someone ghosts you, they’ve already told you everything you need to know. Trust me. I know it really sucks, but let it go! Don’t chase someone who’s not interested.

Is it crazy to slide into a guy’s DMs?

Not at all! I’ve slid into a few DMs myself. I think confidence is a good look. If the guy’s worth it, he’ll appreciate it. Worst case scenario? He ignores you. His loss.

Do you see yourself getting married?

I think I’d like to get married someday,but there’s no rush. Right now, I’m focused on living my life and trying to enjoy every moment. If it happens, it happens,but no pressure! I also still feel very young.

How do I bring up the “What are we?/What are we doing?” conversation?

Ugh, the dreaded “What are we?” talk. Here’s the trick—keep it casual. Say something like, “Hey, I like you, but I’d love to know how you see things moving forward.” If they’re not on the same page, better to know sooner than later.

Do you believe in the “box theory”?

The idea that men put women into three categories—“date,” “hookup,” or “friend”—and you can never move between them? No. I think people are way more complex than that. I talked to one of my guy friends about it recently and he just laughed.

Is it a bad idea to be friends with an ex?

Personally, I’m not friends with any of my exes. When I’m in a relationship, I go all in, and when it ends, it feels like I’m closing a chapter of my life that probably shouldn’t be reopened.

That said, I’ve stayed friends with a few guys I’ve gone on a couple of dates with. I think that’s different. Sometimes, you just realize that you'd be better off as friends rather than anything more, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I respect people who can make it work with their exes. The only time I’ve really seen it work though is when both people have moved on and no longer hold feelings. If it feels right for you, then go for it, but if it starts feeling forced or like you’re trying to hold on to something that’s passed, it’s ok to let go and move on. I don’t think there’s any shame in that.

Though, I do believe in closure! I had a relationship end without it, and trust me, I am someone who needs closure. Lol. My brother Wolfgang once told me to create my own closure, and while I think he was trying to help, let’s just say that’s easier said than done!

Was it hard when your twin got married?

Honestly, yes and no. I was so happy for her. It was such a moment, but it’s a huge change. My sister and I are very close and I don’t think it’s changed our relationship.

How to meet people not on apps?

I’m taking a little break from the apps myself. My advice would be to get out there. Say yes to invitations, even the ones that feel like a maybe. You never know who you’ll meet. If you want something more active, join a class or a club. I also think meeting people through friends is a good idea.

I once met a cute guy just walking down the street—I introduced myself, and we ended up going on a few dates! Another time, I was sitting at a communal table at a restaurant, and the guy next to me asked for my number. Those little meet cute moments? They happen when you least expect them. I think you just have to be open to them.

What’s your idea of a perfect Friday night?

Sushi, a movie (I’m a huge movie lover), and a relaxing bath with Epsom salts. Simple, but heaven to me.

Starbucks order?

To be honest, I haven’t been to Starbucks lately because I’m trying to save money. (Adulting, am I right?) If I could go back to my high school days, I’d be there every single day. I was practically living off their iced chai lattes back then. I even have a photo from the last day of high school where I stood with the entire staff at the Starbucks in Vons Pasadena, but my favorite orders are:

• Chai tea latte with oat milk, 2 pumps sugar-free vanilla, 2 pumps chai, and cinnamon powder (because I found out the regular chai lattes are basically the sugar equivalent of a Snickers!)

• Black tea lemonade (unsweetened)

• Passion tea (unsweetened or with raspberry sweetener)

• Or just a venti iced green tea, unsweetened

Dogs or cats?

Dogs

Go to manicure shade?

My go to shades are black or green! Very very occasionally I’ll mix it up with red. I haven’t gotten my nails done in forever though.

Favorite Disney movie?

Alice in Wonderland. Always and forever.

Who’s your celebrity crush?

I don’t have a ton of celebrity crushes, but River Phoenix has always been number one for me. I also really like Taylor Kitsch. Fun fact: we used to have the same acting teacher! I may or may not have asked her to introduce us haha

What’s your favorite makeup product?

It’s a tie between my under eye concealer and red lipstick!

Heels or flats?

Flats. I don’t even own a pair of heels that I wear. The only ones I have are from when I was 15, and I think they’re sitting in my Berkshire house somewhere collecting dust.

Favorite movie snack?

Peanut M&Ms.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to send in questions and read my Substack. Writing isn’t just a way for me to process my thoughts, it’s how I make sense of the world and is one of my greatest passions. I really appreciate your support.

When it comes to dating, I’m learning it’s not the whole story. I think there’s so much more to life than who you’re spending your time with romantically. Laughing with friends, cuddling your dog (Shout out to Winter who I miss dearly), going on a beautiful walk, achieving something in your career, enjoying an incredible meal, I think those are the moments that make life meaningful. Remember, RuPaul says it best: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Here’s the thing—your life can still be so full, even without romantic love. Not everyone needs it. Not everyone wants it and that's ok. There’s no one way to build a beautiful life. Some people find their love stories in their friendships, in their work or in the art they create. To me, love isn’t just about another person. I think it’s the way you move through the world, the way you carry yourself, the way you choose to live.

RuPaul is correct, but loving yourself isn’t just a catchy phrase. I think it can be work. It’s standing up for yourself when no one else will. It’s walking away when something doesn’t feel right. It’s forgiving yourself for past mistakes and knowing you’re still worthy of good things.

You’ve got this. Stay true to who you are. I think the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. Keep chasing what makes you happy and surround yourself with good people.

I hope the best is still ahead for me and all of you. As my sister Bellamy always says, the best things happen when you least expect them

Love,

Tallulah